So this is the first entry that is not about me...which excites me, because I give out a lot of advice, but who am I?!?!?!...if you are offended by this post, please refer to my welcome! :-)
A friend of mine is struggling with her mate's weight...they've been together for several years and he is everything that she wants in a man, but she is not physically attracted to him because he has a larger frame (they have little to no intimacy)...she shared this information with another friend of hers who told her that she was shallow, but I beg to differ...I told her that she is being realistic with herself, while weight is a "sensitive" topic, it's better to be honest than to tell your mate how great and wonderful they are,l when in the back of your mind you're disgusted watching them eat or take their clothes off...I know that sounded harsh, but it's REAL...folks try to tip-toe around this kind of stuff and quite frankly, I don't understand why...lack of physical attraction will lead to infidelity...PERIOD....I also advised her to talk to him about it...maybe he doesn't realize she has an issue with it...
I've dated a few "larger" men and the issue typically isn't that they're fat, it's usually that they don't care that they're fat...that's a problem...not only is it a physical attraction issue, but it can also lead to health issues down the line and when you're thinking about a life partner, that's something to consider...now, please don't confuse being fat with being structurally big...some folks will always be big, but when that belly is hanging over them pants....hmph...I'll just leave it at that...and let's be clear, I'm not being judgemental, because my belly shole does hang...lol...but I also don't have a sedentary life (lazy for the slow folks)....
So I caught up with my friend A) to be sure she was okay with me blogging about here and B) to see where she was with this situation...she informed that they're eating right, TOGETHER...that's cool and I hope it works out for them...
Now, I pose this question to my readers...and I'm looking for HONEST answers, not any politically correct ish...what would be your advice to her on this topic?!?!?!
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Personally, I agree with you. Attraction is huge in relationships. That equates to physical features, body size, type, etc. For the most part, weight is manageable. So unless there are circumstances that are beyond their control, I do think it's a legitimate concern that should be addressed with the person.
ReplyDeletePhyisical intimacy has a LOT to do with the body...hence PHYSICAL. That means that the whole package has to be something you can deal with. Whether male or female, excessive weight can limit your options. It can also be burdensome to know that you cannot fully enjoy your partner or he/her enjoy you. That can lead to a lot of questioning and eventual infidelity.
Considering they have invested several years, I think she should have some level of comfort to discuss it with him. Maybe, they could create a personal health goal which benefits both parties. My question is would she be attracted to him if he lost weight. Was he smaller before? How did she become attracted to him them lose it?
ReplyDeleteIt does play a huge (no pun) role in our levels of attraction, but I think it is something that can be worked thru if talked about. If he absolutely does not care, then I see a long-term of health risk down the road. Health and wellness plays an important role in our lives and relationships on a long-term basis.
Jump start your relationship by embracing a healthy lifestyle!
the weight factor is simple:
ReplyDeleteif you PAY like you WEIGH, then you can STAY baby...
(thanks Biggie)
Ok...to answer some of the questions: he's always been the same size, she's attracted to the way he treats her, but no physical attraction, yes, she'd be attracted to him if he was smaller...and quite frankly, I've been thinking about this all day and here's another reality...a bigger guy with confidence is still seen as attractive, strange huh?...so maybe, he's lacking some confidence as well or doesn't have any "swag"...I'm not sure if that's the case, but would bet that would make a bit of difference...confidence goes a long way!
ReplyDeletePeople CAN NOT change people! It's SELFISH AS HELL to lead a person you know you're not physically attracted to into thinking they're in a FULLY RECIPROCATED relationship when all you love is what that person does for you NOT them as a total package. Frankly, if a person is comfortable with who they are the motivation will not be there for them to change to who YOU want them to be.
ReplyDeleteDon't you think that person picks up on the fact that you're not turned on by them?
How would you feel being in a relationship with someone who likes what you offer but would rather you put a bag over your head (or in this case your whole body)?
BOTTOMLINE: Get with what you like because if you don't, your true feelings will eventually come out and when they do the hurt you cause will undoubtedly be immeasurable.
Well, in her defense, she's shared this issue with him on several occasions, so it's not like he doesn't know how she feels...I think motivation comes from within and I personally believe that people change when they are good and ready, not because someone has an issue with them..now, having said that, he may lose her because of his unwillingness to change, but that's a risk you take...there will always be something that you don't like about the other in any relationship, it's about what you can handle and what you can't...I agree with the bottom line...which is probably why I'm still single! LOL!
ReplyDeleteAnd she risks losing him because of her unwillingness to change...right?
ReplyDeleteThat's a truly unfortunate situation because what if he does decide to lose the weight and then figures... why would I want to be with someone who won't love me unconditionally?
Here's the deal..she can't change the fact that she's not physically attracted to him, he on the other hand, can change his physical self..she's not asking him to change who he is as person...i.e., wishing he was taller..additionally, her request is also for the betterment of his health...he should want to lose the weight for him, not her...everyone makes sacrifices in realtionships, I'm sure there are things that he's asked her to work on...I commend her for being honest with him because weight is a very sensitive subject...that's apparent by all the anonymous comments above...no one wants to discuss it...while he may be uncomfortable with her feelings, he should be grateful that he has someone that loves him enough to be honest with him versus stepping out on him, which is what some folks do...
ReplyDeleteI'm just saying... It's a two-way street. Yes, weight loss does have positive effects on overall health. Yes, you want the person you're with to have the best chances of longevity. But don't you also want that person to love you for you. Couldn't being with someone who doesn't love you as you are possibly drive you to step out. I mean, it's a proven fact that, just like magnets, your attracted to people who find you attractive.
ReplyDeleteI think we just happen to represent opposing views.
2ude
Hey boo!..I'm so happy you're reading...now, back to our debate...(serious face)....yes, you should want someone who loves you for you, but how do you turn around that level of attraction that isn't there? If she loves EVERYTHING else about him and there's this one thing, but this one thing is big because it has an imnpact on their intimacy, how do you fix that? She's talked to him about it...he's tried to eat better, then goes right back, then he trys again and then goes back...I believe that she loves him very much, she's just being honest about her feelings...she doesn't want their realtionship to end, which is why she eating better WITH him, but there's only so much you can do...it has to be an internal thing...I'll pose this question to you...do you believe she's shallow for these feelings?
ReplyDeleteI don't believe she's shallow...I believe she's with the wrong person. Being physically attracted to a person is uber important to the health of a relationship. If the thought for your soft flabby body disgusts me...I probably should assume an encouraging friend role and relinquish my exclusivity.
ReplyDeleteLMAO...well said!
ReplyDeleteBTW, "serious face" had me rofl.
ReplyDeleteIrritated...my initional comment was lost, so I'll make this brief.
ReplyDeleteAttraction matters. If she is not attracted to him physically, and it's becoming an issue she needs to have that tough conversation. However, as some eluded to earlier, you cannot change a person. He will have to have a problem with his weight, HE will have to want to change.
She needs to decide what role she wants to play...frustrated girlfriend/boo or satisfied friend...satisfied meaning with someone else. Obviously all the other good in the relationship isn't outweighing her concerns. It's not fair to him to reap those benefits while along she may not be satisfying him either.
If she is not attracted to him, she should let him go. It is not like he is going to magically be fit and all these magical attractions are going to happen for her. In the words of Fantasia, "If you don't want me then don't talk to me." "Free yourself."
ReplyDeleteI would tell him to hit the gym for he own sake, not for how someone else sees him.
-Travis
_Travis