Ok...I know I've been few and far between with my writing (I should do better)...anywho...I have a situation I'd like to pose to my readers...here are the stats on this guy:
39y/o, no kids, works in maintenance and lives at home with his mother...so I know the burning question is WHY he lives at home...the answer is that he got a DUI (or DWI, can't remember) and the court costs have depleted his funds...he moved back in with his mom, has a job and will be starting school in a couple of weeks....
Now...the only other thing I know about this gentleman is that he is a seemingly nice and genuine guy...the "I live at home with my mom" conversation was initiated by him...
These days, brothas are always giving sistas a hard time for not giving a brotha a shot, for only being interested in men with money, etc...so I pose this question...does this brotha get a shot or does he belong in the friends and nothing more bucket???
Share your thoughts!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Settling vs. Deciding....Is there a difference??!!
So, this topic stemmed from a conversation I had with a close friend...when I looked up the definition of these two words, they seemed to be one in the same...the definition of settle include decide and vice versa...but once I really put it into context, I was puzzled as to if they really were...ok, here we go...
In my mind, there is a difference between these two words, let's look at it in the case of relationships (of course, right...lol)...to me (this is my opinion and mine alone), settling is when you involve yourself in a relationship where you compromise your wants, needs, desires to appease the other person who doesn't have that same consideration for you and you do it because you either love them, are tired of dating, or a combination of both...deciding, on the other hand, is when you've reached a certain place in life, i.e., ready to be in a committed relationship, someone comes along who's goals are aligned with yours (the relationship piece), they meet most of your "standards" and while this may not be the person you thought you'd be with, you DECIDE to be with them...
My friend dropped this knowledge on me that was passed on to her by one of her male friends: there's the person you should've married, the one you could've married and the one you actually married...now, in some cases, these may all be one in the same, but I'm guessing NOT, in most cases...I have several married friends, some of which I know for sure made a decision to marry the individual that they did, not necessarily because they felt like that person was "the one", but that person was in the right place, at the right time, with the right mindset....I personally think that's okay...now, when I was younger, I was fixated on this whole there's only one person in the world for me, blah, blah, blah...I think there are several, I just have to DECIDE which one I want and all other things must align...
Settling, IMO, comes in different forms...I think people are considered to have settled if they marry someone that they have several children with, just because of the kids, or they've been together for 20yrs, so that's the next natural step, or they already live together, so why not...BUT, in some cases it could be, I have 2 kids with you and I've DECIDED that I want to spend the rest of my life with you and us as a family...how do you distinguish between these two things...
As you can read, it seems like these two things can be one in the same, but can also be quite different...I'm really interested to know the varying opinions on this topic...don't worry, if you don't want to be known, feel free to post your comment anonymously...I'm just wanting some good commentary out of this....
Settling vs. Deciding...Is there a difference??!!
In my mind, there is a difference between these two words, let's look at it in the case of relationships (of course, right...lol)...to me (this is my opinion and mine alone), settling is when you involve yourself in a relationship where you compromise your wants, needs, desires to appease the other person who doesn't have that same consideration for you and you do it because you either love them, are tired of dating, or a combination of both...deciding, on the other hand, is when you've reached a certain place in life, i.e., ready to be in a committed relationship, someone comes along who's goals are aligned with yours (the relationship piece), they meet most of your "standards" and while this may not be the person you thought you'd be with, you DECIDE to be with them...
My friend dropped this knowledge on me that was passed on to her by one of her male friends: there's the person you should've married, the one you could've married and the one you actually married...now, in some cases, these may all be one in the same, but I'm guessing NOT, in most cases...I have several married friends, some of which I know for sure made a decision to marry the individual that they did, not necessarily because they felt like that person was "the one", but that person was in the right place, at the right time, with the right mindset....I personally think that's okay...now, when I was younger, I was fixated on this whole there's only one person in the world for me, blah, blah, blah...I think there are several, I just have to DECIDE which one I want and all other things must align...
Settling, IMO, comes in different forms...I think people are considered to have settled if they marry someone that they have several children with, just because of the kids, or they've been together for 20yrs, so that's the next natural step, or they already live together, so why not...BUT, in some cases it could be, I have 2 kids with you and I've DECIDED that I want to spend the rest of my life with you and us as a family...how do you distinguish between these two things...
As you can read, it seems like these two things can be one in the same, but can also be quite different...I'm really interested to know the varying opinions on this topic...don't worry, if you don't want to be known, feel free to post your comment anonymously...I'm just wanting some good commentary out of this....
Settling vs. Deciding...Is there a difference??!!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
What Ever Happened...Does It Happen...
As I sit here on my floor to mentally prepare for my weekend adventures, I can't help but reflect on my life (I do that alot, probably a little too much)...I think about all the relationships I've had, the ones I'd wished I had, and the ultimate one that God is preparing me for. As I reflect on the past, I can't help but wonder what ever happened to the perceived "good ole days", you know, the ones where boy liked girl, girl liked boy, they get to know one another, fall in love, and get married...then I stop myself and say, that's only in the movies...or is it...
What I'm trying to understand, is why is it so hard for two people that like one another, to date, marry (if applicable), have kids, etc...why do we (men and women) always feel like we're missing something if we key in on the person that interests us at that moment???? We all live in this "don't put all your eggs in one basket" mentality, but isn't it okay to temporarily park your eggs and if the basket isn't suitable, then we move on to another???
Another point of confusion is complete disappearing acts...how can you go from talking to someone daily, finally setting up a day to meet and then when that day comes, not only does the person not show up, they don't answer any calls, texts or even have the decency to send a "I'm sorry I couldn't make it" message. In this particular example, the 2 people had never met face-to-face, had great conversation for a couple of weeks and then crickets...maybe my male readers can shed some light on this phenomenon...
I say all this to say, dating someone that is God sent should be natural, no games, no anxiety (bad anxiety), everything should just flow, so ladies and fellas, if you find yourself with headaches, frustration, bad anxiety, or any of these unsettling vibes, while you're getting to know someone, just let it go...now, this is one woman's opinion, a single woman at that...lol...but, I'm happily single and am not stressed out about finding the "one"...he will find me, when He has prepared us (catch it)...anywho...this was on my mind and I haven't written in a loooonnngg time, so here goes it!
Happy Reading!
What I'm trying to understand, is why is it so hard for two people that like one another, to date, marry (if applicable), have kids, etc...why do we (men and women) always feel like we're missing something if we key in on the person that interests us at that moment???? We all live in this "don't put all your eggs in one basket" mentality, but isn't it okay to temporarily park your eggs and if the basket isn't suitable, then we move on to another???
Another point of confusion is complete disappearing acts...how can you go from talking to someone daily, finally setting up a day to meet and then when that day comes, not only does the person not show up, they don't answer any calls, texts or even have the decency to send a "I'm sorry I couldn't make it" message. In this particular example, the 2 people had never met face-to-face, had great conversation for a couple of weeks and then crickets...maybe my male readers can shed some light on this phenomenon...
I say all this to say, dating someone that is God sent should be natural, no games, no anxiety (bad anxiety), everything should just flow, so ladies and fellas, if you find yourself with headaches, frustration, bad anxiety, or any of these unsettling vibes, while you're getting to know someone, just let it go...now, this is one woman's opinion, a single woman at that...lol...but, I'm happily single and am not stressed out about finding the "one"...he will find me, when He has prepared us (catch it)...anywho...this was on my mind and I haven't written in a loooonnngg time, so here goes it!
Happy Reading!
Monday, July 26, 2010
The Broth-aas and The Oth-aas...
I've been asked several times to write on this topic, "our" men migrating towards other races....well, I may have a different and somewhat controversial opinion than my sistas...so, let's get to it...
Why do we lose our brothas, good brothas at that?? Well, my theory is simple, they don't want to deal with the bitter, angry, rude, self-centered, petty, self-ish, nagging black woman...now, you may wonder why I'm dissing our women, I'm not, I'm simply being honest...oth-aas are viewed as being easier to tolerate...
Case in point....a man leaves his shoes in the same spot on the floor everyday...white woman reaction...picks the shoes up, puts them in closet, goes to give the baby a bath and then makes love to her man all night....black woman reaction...I done told yo ass to pick these shoes up, why do I have to do everything, rolls eyes, slams doors, may or may not cook dinner and def no love making session that night...now, I may be exaggerating a bit, but this is general response from our women..
Ok, IMO, we as black women (me included) are not as care-free about things, we are generally very uptight, not to say that the "oth-aas" don't get mad or irritated, but they get over it much quicker or will continue with business as usual, in other words, they don't let the shoes being on the floor ruin the rest of the night...a lot of black women are bitter, they've allowed one man or hell, even a string of men to ruin it for everyone else...if you've had a string of bad relationships, you may want to look at the common denominator (you, for my slow readers)...if you've had one or two, get over it...I can guarantee you he ain't thinkin about yo ass...while you sittin up mad, he layin up with some white/asian/mexican chick....
Based on conversations I've had with black men, one of the number one reasons for not wanting to deal with the black woman is her ATTITUDE..whew, I understand, because I surely have one on me, but I will say that I've calmed down alot over the years because I've realized that life is too short to walk around mad at things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things...when I find myself getting upset, I think to myself, if he were to die today, how would I feel after bitching about these shoes on the floor...make sense?!
I do have a question ladies, why do we get so worked up when we see "our" men with an "oth-aa"?!?! I know women that won't even converse with a man that's dated or dates white women...why, what difference does that make, does that make him less of a man, why not try to understand his reasoning behind it....on the flip side, it's perfectly acceptable for us to date outside our race, we don't roll our eyes or disown our sistas when they step outside the chocolate...double standard, maybe, but we don't like the ho double standard...you know, the one where a man is a pimp or player if he sleeps around, but a woman is a ho...think about it...
So, my suggestion is this...when you find yourself upset over something trivial, think about the big picture, think about how much that really matters...is this how you would want your last conversation to go??!!...these are questions I ask myself when I find myself mad or frustrated with someone I'm involved with...or better yet, just talk about it...you'll get much further with your man if you have a discussion with him that doesn't include screaming, yelling and attitude...it's okay to be mad, but when you are, take a second, breathe, go for a walk, take a shower, whatever it takes to calm you down and THEN talk to your man...communication is key!
Let me conclude by sayin, men, the above isn't an excuse for you to discount a whole race of women, just like you expect us to rid ourselves of "baggage" from previous experiences, you should do the same...just because one was bitter, doesn't mean we all are...I believe that is the perception that some of you have....so net-net, if we meet one another and we leave the baggage at the door, we can experience black love, which is a beautiful thang!
Why do we lose our brothas, good brothas at that?? Well, my theory is simple, they don't want to deal with the bitter, angry, rude, self-centered, petty, self-ish, nagging black woman...now, you may wonder why I'm dissing our women, I'm not, I'm simply being honest...oth-aas are viewed as being easier to tolerate...
Case in point....a man leaves his shoes in the same spot on the floor everyday...white woman reaction...picks the shoes up, puts them in closet, goes to give the baby a bath and then makes love to her man all night....black woman reaction...I done told yo ass to pick these shoes up, why do I have to do everything, rolls eyes, slams doors, may or may not cook dinner and def no love making session that night...now, I may be exaggerating a bit, but this is general response from our women..
Ok, IMO, we as black women (me included) are not as care-free about things, we are generally very uptight, not to say that the "oth-aas" don't get mad or irritated, but they get over it much quicker or will continue with business as usual, in other words, they don't let the shoes being on the floor ruin the rest of the night...a lot of black women are bitter, they've allowed one man or hell, even a string of men to ruin it for everyone else...if you've had a string of bad relationships, you may want to look at the common denominator (you, for my slow readers)...if you've had one or two, get over it...I can guarantee you he ain't thinkin about yo ass...while you sittin up mad, he layin up with some white/asian/mexican chick....
Based on conversations I've had with black men, one of the number one reasons for not wanting to deal with the black woman is her ATTITUDE..whew, I understand, because I surely have one on me, but I will say that I've calmed down alot over the years because I've realized that life is too short to walk around mad at things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things...when I find myself getting upset, I think to myself, if he were to die today, how would I feel after bitching about these shoes on the floor...make sense?!
I do have a question ladies, why do we get so worked up when we see "our" men with an "oth-aa"?!?! I know women that won't even converse with a man that's dated or dates white women...why, what difference does that make, does that make him less of a man, why not try to understand his reasoning behind it....on the flip side, it's perfectly acceptable for us to date outside our race, we don't roll our eyes or disown our sistas when they step outside the chocolate...double standard, maybe, but we don't like the ho double standard...you know, the one where a man is a pimp or player if he sleeps around, but a woman is a ho...think about it...
So, my suggestion is this...when you find yourself upset over something trivial, think about the big picture, think about how much that really matters...is this how you would want your last conversation to go??!!...these are questions I ask myself when I find myself mad or frustrated with someone I'm involved with...or better yet, just talk about it...you'll get much further with your man if you have a discussion with him that doesn't include screaming, yelling and attitude...it's okay to be mad, but when you are, take a second, breathe, go for a walk, take a shower, whatever it takes to calm you down and THEN talk to your man...communication is key!
Let me conclude by sayin, men, the above isn't an excuse for you to discount a whole race of women, just like you expect us to rid ourselves of "baggage" from previous experiences, you should do the same...just because one was bitter, doesn't mean we all are...I believe that is the perception that some of you have....so net-net, if we meet one another and we leave the baggage at the door, we can experience black love, which is a beautiful thang!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Why Justin?!?!...
Does everyone remember Justin?!...if not, please refer to the May postings...ok....quick update, he texts me about once a month...randomly, to say hi, how you been, what you up to...everytime I get my monthly "check-in" from him, I think to myself, what has caused me to be his random thought of the day....funny thing is this, Justin has been so far removed from my thoughts that when I get these messages, I'm more irritated than intrigued....I guess he does it to see if I'll respond...hell, I don't know...these men kill me in 2010...that is all!
Gimme My Damn Number BACK!!
So, there seems to be a new phenomenon...well, maybe it's just new to me, but this whole concept of getting someone's number and not using it or using it for random texts...let's discuss further...
I'll use my most recent experience, I go out with a friend of mine one night to a bar....it was a real chill atmosphere, mixed crowd, etc., so, this guy makes small talk with me, handsome fella, kinda had a NY vibe to him (I've been running into that alot lately)..anyway, we chat for all of 2 seconds and then I walk away....so several minutes later, I go to the bar to get a drink (another drink of course..lol) and he approaches me....more small talk, i.e., what you drinkin, where you from, blah, blah, blah...so, he asks for my number and I give it to him because he seems like a cool dude...
SN: I did notice him there with a female that seemed to be more than a friend, but less than a girlfriend, maybe he was on a date, or something, but I was advised not to sweat that, so I didn't....
Ok, back to the story...he texted me that night (just to make sure I had his number) and then we had a string of text conversations the following day....but after that...nothing, wait, I take that back, I got a random one late one night asking me why I was still up (he saw that I just updated my fb status)...but other than that, that's it....
So my question is this, why do we as people take numbers or should I say, ask for numbers that we have no intention on using...my guess is that this dude is in a relationship, which is fine, but after the first set of small talk, the approach at the bar shouldn't have even happened (esp if he was on the suspected date mentioned above)...
Now, I will say that I enjoy some of his fb posts or whatever, but beyond that, we don't communicate....so what was the point in getting the digits?? Is it an ego thing (let me see if I still got it)?? I guess I just don't understand, I don't believe in unnecessary effort, in other words, if I meet you and I know I'm not gonna like you or I know that I'm unavailable, I'll politely let you know that the exchange of numbers is a waste of time....
Fellas...talk to me on this...I'm really confused! Ladies, am I alone in this phenomenon...maybe it's me shoot! LOL!
I'll use my most recent experience, I go out with a friend of mine one night to a bar....it was a real chill atmosphere, mixed crowd, etc., so, this guy makes small talk with me, handsome fella, kinda had a NY vibe to him (I've been running into that alot lately)..anyway, we chat for all of 2 seconds and then I walk away....so several minutes later, I go to the bar to get a drink (another drink of course..lol) and he approaches me....more small talk, i.e., what you drinkin, where you from, blah, blah, blah...so, he asks for my number and I give it to him because he seems like a cool dude...
SN: I did notice him there with a female that seemed to be more than a friend, but less than a girlfriend, maybe he was on a date, or something, but I was advised not to sweat that, so I didn't....
Ok, back to the story...he texted me that night (just to make sure I had his number) and then we had a string of text conversations the following day....but after that...nothing, wait, I take that back, I got a random one late one night asking me why I was still up (he saw that I just updated my fb status)...but other than that, that's it....
So my question is this, why do we as people take numbers or should I say, ask for numbers that we have no intention on using...my guess is that this dude is in a relationship, which is fine, but after the first set of small talk, the approach at the bar shouldn't have even happened (esp if he was on the suspected date mentioned above)...
Now, I will say that I enjoy some of his fb posts or whatever, but beyond that, we don't communicate....so what was the point in getting the digits?? Is it an ego thing (let me see if I still got it)?? I guess I just don't understand, I don't believe in unnecessary effort, in other words, if I meet you and I know I'm not gonna like you or I know that I'm unavailable, I'll politely let you know that the exchange of numbers is a waste of time....
Fellas...talk to me on this...I'm really confused! Ladies, am I alone in this phenomenon...maybe it's me shoot! LOL!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
"The Friend Zone"....
First, let me say that I've missed you guys..I've been sooooooo busy with work, the new city, etc., but I'm slowly, but surely, finding my bearings!...ok, so today, I'd like to discuss "the friend zone"...so, girl meets boy, girl and boy hang, conversate, etc., girl and boy may (or may not) have a mutual attraction, but ONE of them does...so what do you do???
This is always a touchy topic, mainly because you don't want to "ruin" the friendship right, BUT, this is not one of your life-long friends, this is a new friend that you obviously found interesting in some way or you wouldn't have formed the friendship right?...are we really making new friends of the opposite sex at this stage in life or do we befriend people that we may have some level of attraction to and then at some point we throw them into "the friend zone"?!?!
So what happens when you enter "the friend zone"??...well, you begin to discuss dating, sex, feelings about other people, etc., and until that ONE person that caught feelings has allowed those feelings to pass, there's some level of discomfort when these conversations take place, but on the flip side, the comfort level increases and then the OTHER person realizes, damn, I'm kinda feelin this chick/dude, but it's too late because they've placed you in "the friend zone".
A dear friend of mine introduced this phrase to me several years ago, why, because he'd just entered "the friend zone" with me...LOL...from then on, I've tried to keep my relationships at certain levels, putting friends in their place, possi-boos (new term) in their place, and definite interests in theirs.....the key here is to know yourself and be honest with those around you to make sure everyone is on the same page!
This is always a touchy topic, mainly because you don't want to "ruin" the friendship right, BUT, this is not one of your life-long friends, this is a new friend that you obviously found interesting in some way or you wouldn't have formed the friendship right?...are we really making new friends of the opposite sex at this stage in life or do we befriend people that we may have some level of attraction to and then at some point we throw them into "the friend zone"?!?!
So what happens when you enter "the friend zone"??...well, you begin to discuss dating, sex, feelings about other people, etc., and until that ONE person that caught feelings has allowed those feelings to pass, there's some level of discomfort when these conversations take place, but on the flip side, the comfort level increases and then the OTHER person realizes, damn, I'm kinda feelin this chick/dude, but it's too late because they've placed you in "the friend zone".
A dear friend of mine introduced this phrase to me several years ago, why, because he'd just entered "the friend zone" with me...LOL...from then on, I've tried to keep my relationships at certain levels, putting friends in their place, possi-boos (new term) in their place, and definite interests in theirs.....the key here is to know yourself and be honest with those around you to make sure everyone is on the same page!
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